hipsters to me are very interesting, they try to be different by liking obscure things (sometimes this doesn’t work) and behaving ‘counter-culture’. of course this doesnt work. i could go on but i wont. i have decided to discuss hipsters because i am in portland, and they are everywhere (like our sewer system).

hipsters dont like cars; the only time you will ever see a hipster driving a car is if its really shitty. so almost never, really. though yesterday i saw a hipster (she had blue hair) driving a not-so-old volkswagen. granted, it was very muddy everywhere, i hope this isnt a new trend. you can often see hipsters riding their bikes with their pants rolled up.

hipsters like cafes; too many hipsters have seen too many french movies (new-wave, neorealist, the era doesn’t matter). i dunno about hipsters, but if i was trying to establish something quirky and cool, i’d get my clique to hang out exclusively at cheap middle-eastern places (none of us would be middle-eastern).

hipsters dress funny; a note here: you may see some people that look like hipsters, girls wearing those stupid string headband things like in those fucking mgmt videos. don’t be fooled, if someone you know has a postal service record on vinyl [even though they don’t have a record player] and they buy their clothes at urban outfitters, they are not hipster, they are tryhards. actual hipsters buy their clothes at thrift stores or overpriced boutiques (only the pieces that make them look poor). hipsters are the only social group on this earth who spend a lot of money in order to look poor. male hipsters have a tendency to not shave, at all. the only people in their 20’s that i ever see with full blown beards are hipsters.

hipsters smoke cigarettes; many hipsters smoke, they do this because it’s ‘cool’. remember the french movies? north american hipsters do their best to copy french hipsters. some hipsters will smoke cigarillos, but don’t think that those are better somehow [i’ve tried some romeo y julietta ones, they taste like shit].

hipsters drink a lot; i mean, everyone drinks a lot, but hipsters try to turn it into an art (everything is ‘art’ when you’re on some kind of drug). hipsters always try to make their drunk experiences sound quirky. “i do slam poetry when im drunk” okay, im taking about myself here, but im still not a hipster at least. you should also know that hipsters don’t usually go to nightclubs (except fortune soundclub in china town, damn good club), they usually go to bars, cheap ones though (or guilt&co in gastown).

hipsters usually get crap degree’s; if you ever meet a hipster getting a business, science, engineering or any other degree that sounds useful, they’re probably not actually a hipster (this means you can take them seriously); this also means that while they may have the same tastes in music, books and movies as a hipster, they probably aren’t as unoriginal or painfully liberal as a real hipster. hipsters are known for getting arts degree’s like sociology and english, these degree’s usually allow them to get a job in table waiting or retail (re; h&m sales rep).

hipsters are skinny; if you see a fat girl who has her pants rolled up and she’s wearing retro wayfarers, she is not actually a hipster, she is a tryhard. if you are a girl hipster, you must weigh less than 115 lbs. if you are a dude hipster, you must have almost no muscle mass, bearmode males are the only exception to this rule. why is all this so? because if you’re fat, it means you have money. speaking of money, my dad and i saw this hipster when we were walking around in pearl district, he was smoking cigarettes and asked us “hey can you spare some money? i need $11.30 for a hostel” as we walked away my dad muttered “if he didn’t buy that pack of cigarettes he wouldnt need it” damn straight.

hipsters read a lot; there is nothing wrong with this, its just silly what you may notice. many hipsters read stuff by jean-paul sartre, of course, if they actually took in what he wrote, they wouldn’t be hipsters anymore.

the more you know!!


  1. God I'm glad we don't have a hipster problem where I live

  2. This is a very nice blogger theme, mind if i ask where you got it?

  3. I love this essay on hipsters, hilarious, yet well informed.